The 5 R’s of networking: an army brat’s guide to making friends as a “new kid” in town

I moved towns every 2–3 years while growing up because dad was an army man. This meant re-establishing my self in a kiddie social network (usually a cricket team) every 2–3 years. In cricket terms, going from being the “12th man” who only did fielding to being assured a “batting spot” involved navigating a pre-existing social network and dealing with lots rejection as well.

Over the years this nomadic life taught me a few lessons that helped me get into college, find a job, build a company and switch careers. This post is about those lessons. I refer to them as the 5 R’s of social networking:

• Rejection
• Reliability
• Resourcefulness
• Respect
• Resilience

1. Rejection: It is never about you it’s usually about timing

The hardest part for me was walking up to a group of strangers and asking to play with them because fear of rejection was quite crippling. Kids were sometimes mean and often told me to disappear. I often cried as a result and with every rejection my fears grew stronger.

Over time I learned that rejection was rarely about me and was driven by external factors such as, is the game a friendly match or some competitive tournament? Is the game just starting or in the middle? Are there other players already waiting to play in your spot?

When I recognized that rejection was driven by timing (and not my ineptitude) I started taking rejection less personally and started asking for a spot far more often.

2. Reliability: “showing up” on time will make up for limited talent

I was never good at sports. This lack of talent made it hard for me to leave a good first impression when kids did allow me to play with them.

However, all through my travels I observed that if a game start time was say 10 am, hardly 10–15% of the team showed up on time. Just by showing up on time I often found a spot for myself in a team because no shows were actually the norm.

When I recognized that reliability could make up for my lack of talent I started focusing on something very simple: showing up on time.

3. Resourcefulness: contribute more than what you take

Every group has a few individuals (5–10%) who do majority of the work to organize an activity. I refer to them as organizers. Organizers contribute more than what they take.

I’ve found organizers to be the nicest people who are highly tolerant of new entrants in a social network. Organizers have a thankless job can usually use a helping hand but will rarely ask for help.

Helping an organizer solve a mundane problem such as offering to clean up after a game creates goodwill. Such goodwill makes it easier to contribute towards improving overall network quality.

When I first appreciated an organizer’s role in a social network I started focusing on problem solving, a skill that has proven very helpful in my work-life*

*a relentless focus on problem solving works well with friends and work settings but not always in intimate relationships (something my wife reminds me of often).

4. Respect: give everyone equal respect, especially the group’s clown

I have observed that every group has someone who is made fun of more than anyone else. While it’s possible for a new entrant to gain acceptance by mocking the group’s clown, such actions aren’t usually appreciated by other members.

The logic goes like this: I can criticize my mother but I don’t want my friend doing so.

When I started giving respect equally and unconditionally I got respect in return and that helped me sleep better in a new town, which helped me show up on time.

5. Resilience: it’s a function of habits and not something innate

While growing up I was repeatedly reminded that I wasn’t tough. I had grown to view toughness as some innate property. Over time I realized that resilience is developed through habits.

When I realized resilience can be developed and tough people aren’t just born tough, I started focusing more on my habits (such as ensuring I made my bed every day) as opposed to my lack of physical strength

All that said, it’s still daunting moving to a new town. I moved to San Francisco in August 2017. My focus now is making friends in a new industry (electric distribution utilities). Despite years of training my heart still pounds when I’m approaching a new person for the first time to make an inquiry.

Point being, making new friends as the new kid is never easy but awareness of the above 5 makes it relatively easier.